Scars never heal
by Mr. Person of no Interest
Summary: John had a rough day. Carter was there to make him smile... and then upset him. Warnings for sexual contents.
1. Chapter 1

_Hi! I wrote this, but I think it's not as good as my other story. Anyway, I hope you like. Sorry again about the mistakes with the English language, I tried really hard to not screw up too much… It's not my first language._

_This happens after the episode "Blue Code"  
_

_I don't own any of this. I'm just having some fun.  
_

"You can't go running frantically like you were batman or some super hero! You can get killed!" She didn't sound like she was angry. Maybe she was angry, but even more worried and outraged. "You are not invincible!"

"I know I'm not invincible, detective!"John said with a grin as he looked out the window of her car. He was amazed with her concerns.

"Well, you don't show it!" She shot a glance at him. "You were shot and lit on fire!"

"Worse has happened to me before, Carter… being shot is something I'm used to and being lit on fire… well… I've had some experiences with fire before…" His eyes were on the road.

He didn't sound as flippant and playful as he usually sounded and that got the attention of Carter.

"Well, you could be dead by now…" She loosened her tone a bit. Well, the man was visibly tired and she was lecturing him. Being frantically crazy and destructive was the way he operated after all.

He gave up fighting her words. She was right. He should be more careful.

Being bit, shot and lit on fire was his version of lucky day… since Carter was there to save him, of course. That sounded better like a lucky day. Carter admired his power to get out of any situation no matter how terrible and unconquerable it was. Maybe he was invincible after all, but he had to be more careful. He could have been burned to ashes.

"Thanks for the ride, Jos!"

He said when she parked in front of the apartment Finch rented for him after he had been shot.

"You are welcome… John." She smirked every time he called her Jos.

She watched as he walked towards the building. He didn't look like he was fine, though. There was something in his voice, something she didn't know what it was, but she wanted to figure it out. Maybe it was the case… An officer who had dedicated his life for the government and in conclusion, he almost got his death in return. And for the worst, the company would be responsible for his death. Maybe John identified with the man. Carter didn't know anything about John's past, though… and she really would like to figure out if Snow's words were really true, although she didn't know how. John was as aloofness as a lonely person hunt and hurt by its past could be. Hell… she didn't even know if John was his real name.

She just stood there and watched him. Worried, intrigued and desperate for some answers. She decided to stay there and watch a little more. Taylor was staying in his friend Peter's and she didn't want to arrive home and have no one there to welcome her again. She thought about ringing his bell, but she decided she would just watch.

John closed the door behind him and leaned his back against it. It had been a long day. He was tired and aching. He let out a heavy breath of relief and walked to the living room. He stared at the apartment as he stripped his suit and shirt. Finch had a peculiar taste on decoration. Well, John didn't care… he flopped on the couch and stayed. No lights on… just the light of the streets coming in through the glass window.

"_Mr. Reese, are you there?" _

He heard Finch's voice and almost started praying for not listen they had another number.

"Finch…"

"_You seem tired, are you okay?" _Finch asked worried.

"I'm super… another number?"

"_Actually, no… I just… wanted to make sure you were alright…"_ Finch struggled to speak.

"I hope you don't mind I came to your apartment…" John said trying to deflect. He was not fine.

"_It's yours, Mr. Reese! Also, I bought something for you… It's in your bedroom…" _Finch said almost smiling.

"I hope it's not another cushion…" John smirked at the reminding of Finch's nonsense gift.

"_It's not… see you tomorrow, Mr. Reese! Enjoy your resting." _

"Good night, Finch!"

John was so tired it took him 3 or 4 minutes to stand up and walk to the bedroom to see what joke Finch was playing on him that time.

He entered it and spotted the so called gift. He smiled… Finch knew more about him than himself. He approached the bed and took the basket ball in his hands. There was a long, long time he didn't feel the peculiar grip of the ball. He gave it a few dribbles. Hell, he was old…

He tried to call back Finch, but the man didn't pick up the phone. John put the ball aside and decided he had to take a shower and a good night of good dreams. Good nights with good dreams weren't something John was familiar with. Maybe taking a shower and sleeping weren't the best of the ideas. He looked at the ball and looked at the bathroom. The hell with his shower, he grabbed the ball and walked to the living room where he dressed his suit back. He left. It was 2 in the night and he didn't care.

Carter was almost falling asleep when she decided that watching the building where he lived wasn't one of the brightest ideas. She started her car but before she rushed away, she saw John coming out of the building with a basket ball. Her face frowned in confusion and her slumber flew away as fast as it came.

"What the…?" She would definitely follow him.

She noticed he was walking and there was no sign of him reaching for a car key or motorcycle. She decided to wait before driving after him. There was a basketball court in that street and he was probably heading there. She waited for a good distance then drove after him. She saw him dribble sometimes and she smiled. He was not bad.

Carter saw him entering the court. She parked her car under a tree and in an angle he couldn't see her. She was kind of amazed and smiled when he dribbled alone and shoot the ball at the basket, hell… already 5 shots and none missing. The guy was good.

John smiled. So long… so fucking long he couldn't even remember if he was still good at that. A few dribbles and one shot gave him a hell of a smile. He was tired, his body was pleading for a sleep, and yet, he was playing like he was that little boy again. 5 minutes playing and he was sweating all of the liquids his body could pour out.

He tried for the three points shots and missed. He put his hands in his knees as the aching in his body started to bother him more, but he wouldn't stop. He took off his suit, then his shirt and shoes and socks and ran to the ball again. He was enjoying himself.

"What an outfit can hide!" Carter caught herself saying it when she saw John stripping his clothes off.

He had a style to play that damn game, like he had in his job. His body language while playing held a hint of his personality and Carter didn't know how to explain her rationalization. He was flippant, playful, but he was also dark, distant… and she didn't forget the stone cold killer story… He had all of that in his body language while playing. The shot was straight and aimed for a goal, the basket. The way he did when he had to kill somebody in order to save a life… he didn't miss. His ball handling was as gently as the way he handled his gun, and yet as aggressive as it could be. He was good, and look at that crossover… Beautiful, huh. He was, if god forgives her for saying it, sexy playing that stuff. Hell, he was always sexy. She rolled her eyes at her own thoughts.

John chuckled when he missed his tree point shot. The second one in the night. Well, there was a long time. He stopped and rested his hand on one of his knee and the other on the wound of the grazed shot. His breathing was heavy and he decided it was time for a break. He walked towards one of the benches and sat on it. He was exhausted and sweating and smelling. He smiled alone, for the first time in years he smiled alone and it was sincere.

That was when Carter decided to join him. She grabbed a bottle of water that she had left inside her car since the afternoon and walked towards the court. He was so lost in his thoughts that he didn't see Carter approaching until he heard her voice. She grabbed the ball that was on the floor under the hoop and walked towards him.

"You missed the last one!" She spoke and he tilted his head to look at her.

"Detective…" His voice came between his heavy breathing. He was really surprised, but had no powers to think about it.

She looked at his body from head to feet. Shirtless and sweat John wasn't something she expected it to give her butterflies in the stomach. She handed the bottle of water to him

He smirked. "Thanks…" He eyed her in confusion, but took the bottle anyway.

He drank it fast and spilled water all over his chest. She had to look another direction in order to not blush at all that hotness. God forsaken her… he was a killer… but being a killer didn't actually stop a person from being attractive… Stop, Jocelyn, right now.

"I'm stinking…" He glanced at her.

"Obvious no more than you were when I had you in custody for the first time…" She provoked him.

He tilted his head to stare at her.

God, his eyes were dangerously beautiful.

"I'm hurt, Joss…" He leaned back at the wire meshand she grinned.

Silence fell upon them and only his breathing and the sounds of the city were to be heard.

"Why are you here?" He asked and took sips of the water.

"Hm… saw you coming out… followed you!" She spoke as if it was something casual… stalking him was nothing casual.

"Hm…" He took more water.

"What's your excuse? You don't look like a sports guy when it doesn't come to martial arts."

He chuckled again. "Couldn't sleep…" His breathing seemed to have stabilized.

"Lots of dead hunting your dreams…" She had a playful tone, but he didn't see that way.

He grinned sadly.

She didn't mean to upset him. It was a joke. Hell, she didn't even consider it would upset him. Well… Now that she thought about her words, well, they were really harsh for a man who might be hunted a destroyed by his past, as Snow had said.

She glanced at his abdomen and saw, besides a six pack belly, his recent wound, it was slightly bleeding.

"You should get that checked out…" She rested the ball on the floor and pointed to the wound.

"It's nothing…"

"It's bleeding… I have a fak in my car… I'll go get it…" She stood up and headed towards her car.

"It's nothing!" He stood up and grabbed the ball again. It seemed like his body had a power to recover fast. "Mind for a game…" He smiled while dribbling.

Carter laughed out loud.

"Come on, detective… think you can't beat me…" He provoked with a smirk.

"Do you think I can't?" She had a challenging voice.

"I think you are afraid…" He stared at her with eyes of defiance.

"Afraid…? of you…? Arrogant…" She stripped her suit and threw it on the bench.

"I'll let you have the ball…" He passed her the ball and ran to the free throw lane.

Carter got it and dribbled a few times to feel the grip and get familiar with the ball.

"Not bad, Jos…" He screamed from the spot under the hoop and opened his arms to say he was ready.

"Gonna kick your ass, John…"

She approached him and he came for the defense. The way he came he stayed. He was not expecting she knew how to make a crossover. She passed him easily and shot the basket, she didn't miss. He looked amazed and she had a smile.

"Oh, that was nice…" He spoke impressed.

"That was easy…" She provoked him.

"Easy, huh…"

She started again and this time he was more careful with his defense. She couldn't pass with the crossover so she gave him her back. He touched her back with his hand to avoid the slip she would probably try in a few seconds. Touching Carter was not something that should give him shivers; but… anyway, he had to pay attention at the game. The woman was winning.

"Tough guy, huh!" She spoke.

"I'm playing by the rules, detective!" He smiled.

"Really…?"

She gave him a glance through her shoulders and bumped him back with her body. With this move she was able to get space to turn and shoot the ball. There. Another 2 points.

"Yeah… take that, Mr. Arrogance…" She gloated.

He narrowed his eyes on hers and rested his hands on his waist. Oh, the woman was good. Maybe he had underestimated her. Well, he decided to play hard.

"I was being easy on you, Jos…"

"Yeah, right… Fact is… I'm kicking your ass…"

She started again and in one second he had the ball. He was taller and stronger. She couldn't fight that.

"Take that…" He shot a tree point and there it was.

"Are you afraid of contact, John…" She teased him.

He blushed and hid a smirk, like a 12 year old boy.

"I'm still winning…" She teased again.

"Not for long…" He grabbed the ball again and tried for the crossover, but unexpectedly she blocked him and he had to give her his back.

"Nice…" He recognized her defense skills.

"It's not all about weight and height…" She spoke with a hand placed on his sweaty back.

She had a close look at some of his scars at that time, but she didn't want to think about what he had gone through to get them.

Touching his sweaty back wasn't supposed to feel nice… She cursed herself for allowing her mind to think hotness when she had to concentrate on playing the damn game.

Her fingernails scratched slightly on his back and he almost turned and handed her the ball. He smiled at her strategy.

"It's not fair… Carter…" He spoke between heavy breaths.

"You play by your rules… I play by mine…" She teased.

"Then we need … ahm…" He turned and shot the ball. He missed and ran to the ball. "To establish new rules…"

She arrived first and protected it by giving her back to him.

"Not necessary, John…" She spoke laughing. "You defeat yourself!"

Carter was revealing to be much of a teaser and John was enjoying it.

"Oh, really…"

"Yeah…"

He leaned all the weight of his body on her shoulders, almost embracing her. She could barely move as he tried to reach the ball on her hands.

"Hey… Foul…" She was outraged.

"My rules…" He smiled. She felt his breathing on her ear and concentrated on dribbling the ball away from him.

"Get off, you are all sweat and smelling!" She laughed and bumped his body away, but he didn't move a bit.

"Ha…" He laughed.

"It's not fair… stop it…" She tried to bump his body again.

"Give me that…" He reached for the ball… "Or you'll have to smell me a lot more, detective…"

"Bring it on… No… You smelly cheater!"

"You cheated first… No finger nails buried in my back anymore!" He made another move to reach for the ball. "It's sexually cruel!"

"What an overstatement!" She complained and blushed at his words. "Didn't know you were into masochism…" She teased.

"You don't know a lot of things, Jos…" His flippant voice sometimes hit her like a fire.

She wasn't really bothered with the sensation of his entire body pressed on her was making her feel. He wasn't really that smelly… well… maybe a little… after all it had been a long day… she didn't care.

"Are you flirting with me, Mr. Reese…" She glanced at him over her shoulder.

"I could say that…" He answered simple while trying to reach for the ball. She smiled at his innuendo.

She tried to turn but he blocked her and got the ball.

"Ha… take that…" It was his turn to gloat.

"You are cheating…" She stopped with a smile and hands on her waist.

"Tired already…" He teased.

"No, I was intoxicated by your smell…" She teased back.

Damn… she realized it was the first time she saw him smiling about something he was really enjoying. It was, in all words, heart breaking knowing he had all that side to show and had nobody to do it. She really craved for figuring out his past.

"I'm hurt…" He said softly.

He shot and didn't miss. They played for at least an hour and a half. He won, of course. He was taller, stronger, and sweating and smelly which was driving her crazy, by the way.

She shot the last shooting and rested her hands on her knees. His eyes followed the ball and saw it slide inside the basket. He did the same and rested his hand on his knees.

"God I'm tired…" He whispered.

"We should… get some rest…" She responded and started walking towards the bench.

"Positive…" He stretched.

She glanced at him and shocked her head. He was affecting her in a way she couldn't identify.

"Now I smell like you!" She seemed to be complaining, but she sounded like she was actually enjoying it.

"Oh… it's something for you to remember me." He lay heavily on the floor stretching his body. "Ahm…"

"As If I didn't have many things to remember of you…" She rolled her eyes and stared at him.

"Do you?" He stared at her.

She smiled and flopped on the bench.

"I'm not that smelly!" He sniffed his armpit. It was exposed by the way he had his arm stretched on the floor.

"Do you need a ride?" She asked.

"Probably… I don't even know If I can make it to your car…" He didn't even know if he could stand up.

"You will have to, because I won't carry you... Come on, get up!" She delicately kicked the side of his tight.

He only breathed.

"And I'll take care of that wound…" She pointed to his abdomen.

"I'm fine, Carter… really!"

"I know… Let's go…" She stretched her hand to help him stand up. He grabbed it and stood on his feet with her help.

"Thanks…" He grabbed his stuff and they headed to the car.

"Forgetting your ball…" She pointed to the object in question.

"Oh!" He ran to grab the ball. Those scars were bothering Carter and she really wanted to ask him about them. She knew he had been tortured and all, but her curiosity operated apart her.

"Finch's gift…" He spoke with a smile.

"That's nice of him…" She smiled.

They headed to the car and entered it. John threw his stuff on the backseat and flopped on the passenger sit with a deep breath. Carter did the same. She saw him reaching for his wound and contorted his face.

"Are you sure you were just grazed?" Carter asked while starting the car.

"Yeah… sure…"

"Maybe some fragments of the bullet penetrated your skin…"

"Doesn't feel like it…" He yawned and Carter found it cute.

There was nothing cute on a killer, she reminded herself. How was he able to display cuteness when the only mode he operated displayed coldness? Carter didn't know John enough; she would admit that easily, but there some things that couldn't be… Killers, cuteness and coolness together. At least during all her career she hasn't ever seen a profile like this… Anyway, she needed to know him more. Things spoken by Snow were still floating inside her mind, confusing her every second she spent next to John. And now there she was… playing basketball with him as if he was a long time friend…Hell… he played basketball and she didn't know… what other things he hid that made him different of what he showed to…. What a life he could have had and for some reason it ended up like that… And after all, he still ended up protecting people… no matter how much blood were spilled by his hands before. And that… that was what confused Carter more.

"Where are those scars from?"

"Mind blowing masochist sex, detective!" He deflected with a flattered expression.

"Yeah… right…" She glanced at him.

"Missions that went wrong somehow…" He answered with no delaying.

She knew what that statement implied: Tortures…

"You hide so much, John…"

He just glanced at her and turned his eyes back on the road.

During the rest of the way they fell upon comforting silence. She parked the car in front of his building.

"Here you are…"

"Yeah…" He shifted on his sit to get his things in the backseat.

"I need to ask you a question…" Her eyes were on the road ahead of her.

"Then ask it…" He said simple.

"Did you really kill your partner?"

John froze. How the hell did she know that? Of course… Mr. Mark Snow. He stopped grabbing his stuff and shifted back to his previously position.

He couldn't answer that question because...

"I need to know, John… please?" Carter stared at him.

"I see you've been talking to Mark…" He stared at her.

"Yes, I have… He's been trying to poison me against you since the first time I met him… I don't know what I believe. He showed me evidences, photos, horrible reports and then there's you. A killer saving lives… saving my life… and playing basketball with me at 4 in the dawn." She burst.

John got out of the car without any words, not even a sigh. He didn't care about his stuff in the back of her car, he just stepped out and walked towards the building. Carter got out of the car and followed him.

"John…" She called him.

"Let it go, Carter!" He seemed really upset.

"John, wait…" She ran in front of him and placed a hand on his chest.

He stared at her eyes. It was clear he was upset.

"I need to know if all of that is true… it's all I'm asking… a yes or no…"

"I can take you down easily, Carter…" He glanced at the hand on his chest and stared at her eyes. John would never touch Carter in order to hurt her. Never. It was out of question.

"I know you would never do that…"

"You don't…"

"I know because I trust you… and it's killing me to believe Snow is telling the truth about everything he said about you."

John gently put her arm aside and started walking again.

"Fine, John… you don't want to talk about it… I can understand that… what I can't is the why…" She was a little upset too.

He stopped walking again and she stared at his bare back. It took him some seconds to turn around and walk towards her. He was clearly upset.

"You want to know, Carter… I'm a killer, I did a lot of horrible things and I have the blood of all those people in my hands… Some of them… bad people. Lots of them … good people. It was not just the things I was made to do… I didn't feel any guilty on doing it… on destroying people's life. I'm the dark, Carter… I was the guy that the government sent to do the dirty work and make it look clean… Until they didn't need me anymore and sent me to be killed in duty! Is that enough for you?"

John was tired and it seemed it was the only vulnerable time to make him express any kind of emotion.

She sworn she could see tears rising from his eyes, but his voice sounded so upset that Carter wasn't able to tell if his eyes were red because of tears or because of rage, probably rage.

She didn't know how to react to that confession. She felt like hugging him and hitting him at the same time. Murderer son of a bitch.

"Scars never heal…" His voice went from the dark to vulnerable.

It was the sign that she needed to burst towards him, place her hands at his chest and shove him against the door of the entrance. He moaned with the impact. Carter stared at him with her eyes full of rage, rage that was being loaded with desire.

"Then rip it out…" She punched his chest with her two fist hands.

Her violence made his lips half-part with a moan for a second, and in that second she captured his lower lip with her mouth and kissed him.

He was fucking moaning and that was incredibly sexy.

They kissed for some more seconds and then Carter pulled away abruptly. She leaned her forehead on John's chin and her hands touched his neck. John's eyes were closed and he breathed irregularly.

"I'm… I'm sorry…" She said.

Carter took a step back away from him. She slid her hand from his neck to his chest and caressed one of his old scars before pulling completely away from him. She still looked at his eyes.

"Damn it!" She whispered. The look on his eyes was a torture.

John had his eyes locked on hers. Eyes full of something that made those blues sapphires raise an ocean. Lust, desire, hurt, rage… Carter didn't know. She just couldn't keep looking at them. She turned and was about to walk away when she felt a hand on her arm. Before she could acknowledge that, she was thrown against the wall and John was pressing his body against her. Not kissing her, though… but his face was so close to hers that she could see his inner scars through his eyes. They stared at each other and Carter realized she was scared of those eyes. Actually, his face didn't show any signs of only desire and lust… he was… angry, maybe… upset… she didn't know. It was a mix of it all.

"Let me go, John…" She pierced his eyes.

He shifted his hips to press her harder against the wall and his hands pinned Carter's wrists against the wall. He attempted to kiss her, but she turned her head away and, in a sudden, one of his hands was at her neck, holding it in place, but the touch was gentle.

"Let me go!" She grounded her teeth to speak.

"No…." His low and sexy voice and his lips snuggling at her earlobe almost made Carter fall right into his arms, but that was a big mistake.

"Are you going to choke me to death? I heard you are skillful…"

Those words touched deeply in some of the wounds of his soul. The hand on her neck turned from a scary grab to a gentle touch in seconds.

"Stop, John… this is gone too far…" She advised him in a whisper.

"Yeah…" He whispered lustfully into her ear while kissing it.

"Then let me go…" She tried to push him away.

He pushed her back against the wall and kissed her. First she tried to pull away, but she gave up anyway and kissed him back. John grabbed her waist and walked her inside the building. They reached the elevator without leaving each other's mouth. Once inside it and going up, John pressed her against the wall again and one of his hands hooked underneath one of her thighs and lifted it up. He fit his hips against hers so she could see that there was no turning back at that point. He was so aroused that if they stopped, he could get seriously injured in his private parts.

"This… is… wrong… John…" She whispered between the kiss.

"Fuck wrong…" He whispered back.

Wow, that was unexpected. The first swear word she saw coming from his mouth and that aroused her a bit, then she decided to give it in… she had no power to fight him anymore. Her hands went to his belt and she skillfully opened it. The elevator arrived at the floor and they stepped out and collided against John's door, which was opened. John only had the trouble of turning the knob. They were in a tangle of limbs and while they were walking towards the living room, they stripped off each other's clothes. John slid her shirt over her shoulders and threw it away while she was working on his fly. He felt his whole body shivering when she slid the fly open and grazed her hands on his erection. He let out a lustful quiet moan and moved his hands to strip her pants off. Carter lost all of her sanity and slid her hand inside his boxers. He moaned incredibly sexy and shivered as if he was being electrocuted. She helped him get rid of his pants and wrapped her hand around his erection to stroke it a few times. John lost; he couldn't even manage to open her fly and his breathing was chaotic. She grabbed his hair with one hand, rather roughly, and pulled his head back a little.

"No roughness now… no holding necks anymore…?" She whispered on his lips. Her voice had a hint of anger.

"Ahmm…" He frowned in pleasure and moaned almost painfully.

Carter let go of his hair and he searched for her mouth again until he found it and kissed her again.

They reached the couch and John threw her on it, rather roughly, but she didn't care. She actually liked. She fell on the couch and looked at his half naked body. Those boxers should go away soon, she thought. He grabbed her pants and slid of her legs. He threw them away too and before Carter could think of something, John straddled her and grabbed her arms to pine it on the couch. They kissed for some time before John released her arms and moved to unhook her bra. He straightened up his torso and slid the bra away from her. They stared at each other's eyes and John finally smirked, a small and perverted smirk. She smirked back. Both smirks full of rage and pleasure at the same time.

"Didn't know you were into bondage, Joss…" He said playful, but shy at the same time.

"I didn't know you were into… hum…"

He leaned down to kiss one of her breasts while one of his hands caressed her other breast. She arched her hips against him in a search for some contact. Their bodies shivered hard when the contact was made. She looked at him… He was so sexy, beautiful. Some of her fingers hooked in the waistband of his underwear and pulled it in an attempt to make him get rid of it. She had a glimpse of the head of his penis and her mind urged her to touch it, and when she did, John moaned, lost. Carter took it of his underwear and caressed it, without stop looking at it. John was kissing her neck and he moaned with her touch. He stopped and rested his forehead on hers, then he looked at what she was doing with his penis. His little quiet moans reached her ears in a way that made her want to devour him at all cost.

In a sudden, he lifted his torso and slid her panties off. He grabbed her waist and turned her on the couch so that she was lying on her stomach. He straddled the back of her thighs and leaned to kiss her neck. Carter arched her body and tried to look at him over her shoulders.

"John…?" She whispered as he kissed the back of her neck.

"Hm…?" He was lost in her smell, in her soft skin, in all of hers.

John finally touched her. Her body almost exploded in pleasure and she moaned with her eyes closed and her fingers clenching on the couch. He stopped and took of his boxers. He leaned down again and gently hooked his fingers on her hair and turned her head to the side so that he could kiss her. Carter loved the way he was handling her, it was almost dangerously rough and scary and yet gentle at the same time. Just like how she did to him few minutes ago, when she had started all that mess.

She felt his penis snuggling around the entrance of her vagina and they both moaned against each other's mouth. God, his moans were incredibly sexy. It was sweetie, low, husky, hot and damn it fuck it! And those hands, which were made to kill coldly, were gently caressing her whole body…

He penetrated her without any warnings and the moan that she let out made his mind crash. He didn't waste time with gentle and slow movements such was the desire bursting out his body, and Carter felt glad about that. She wasn't there to make love to him… She was there to fuck him… desperately… They two were there to fuck each other's brains out and never talk about it again. He kissed her neck, her back, her earlobe and it drove her out of any senses.

"You feel so good…" She whispered among her moans.

"Hm…" He chuckled among his moans.

"Fuck…" She moaned.

"Say it again…"

"Fuck…"

His hot whisper came through her ears like a volcano of pleasure.

They fucked desperately and urgently on that very same position and it was damn good.

She arched her back in search for more contact as her orgasm made her body contract firmly.

"Coming…?" He asked because he was on the verge of losing all his control.

"Hmmm yeah… … …?"

John's head were beside hers and he was kissing the side of her neck and moaning hard as he listened to her sounds. They felt the warm breath of each other closely enough to reveal the desire their bodies were pouring out.

Carter came like never in a long time and John was still finishing. She concentrated on listening to his moans and felt a wave of sweetness and hotness invade her ears as he came inside her and moaned almost painfully and yet softly on her ears. She would try to keep that sound.

He collapsed above her and breathed chaotically. Carter's thoughts were a tremendous chaos at that time. She felt like screaming with him and punching him until death and yet, she felt like holding him forever. She listened to his hard breathing and each rise and fall of his chest made her feel each inch of his body shivering.

"God…" She whispered over the realization that it all had been a mistake.

"… Carter… ?" He whispered in her ear.

She was silent.

"Whatever…" He felt she wasn't for talking.

He moved his torso back, and sliding his hand through her back sensually, he straddled her again. That touch made her shiver and close her eyes. She shifted under him so she could lie on her back and make an attempt to get him off of her.

She tried to push him away, but he grabbed her wrists.

"Let me go, John…" She stared at his blanked eyes.

He didn't.

"Get of me!" She leveled her torso with his and tried to shove him off.

They fought for dominance for some seconds, but she was able to fight it with her skills on arts martial and eventually shove him off. He gave up and stood up.

It seemed the tension between them was growing second by second.

He stood there looking for his clothes, but he was clearly lost. She got into a sit position on the couch and observed him and his naked body for a moment while he looked for his clothes.

"John…" She finally spoke. It wasn't time to act like a teenager who had done a stupid thing… well, it was a stupid thing, but acting so wasn't smart.

"Yeah…" He dressed his white underpants.

He had his back to her, and when he heard that, he stopped, and holding his t-Shirt he looked down.

"I just…" Carter started again.

He turned to her and looked at her eyes so she could see that his blue sapphires held an anguish that she would never think she would see it in him.

She pierced his eyes and she finally understood how deep it had touched him her previous questions.

He was in silence, still staring at her.

"I killed her…" He confessed.

Carter was hooking her bra and stopped, closed her eyes and fought the urge to feel her heart aching. He confessed. And confirmed what Snow had told her.

"Why…?" Carter lost it and started grabbing her stuff fast. She just wanted to get out of there… away from John… away from the chaotic thoughts going through her mind at that time.

John looked down and stayed in silence.

"You know, John, all of this is a mistake. You and your friend playing gods… it's not right. You are trying to redeem yourself from your previous mistakes by going over the police to save lives and destroy others along the way. It's not right." She finished dressing as fast as she could.

"You don't know anything, Carter…" He was deep hurt.

"Well, what I know is enough for me to think that I've committed one big mistake."

She didn't want to say that. But It came out of her mouth so simple. Of course it was a strategy of defense, because she couldn't organize the thoughts on her mind, so it was better push the problem away.

"What you know is enough for you to judge me as if all I am is a killer…"

He had a bit of anger and frustration on his voice. He didn't expect that reaction from her. Well, long time ago he learnt he couldn't expect anything from people and it seemed he had forgotten that.

"Because that is what you show!" She almost screamed. "You are an abysm of mystery, John, and I don't know how to decipher you!"

"What do you want me to do? Write a report about my past and send it to you as a gift?"

He was upset, not because of her, but because he really couldn't deal with the memories of his past.

"This was a mistake…" She whispered while looking for her scarf.

"I didn't have a normal life, Carter… My past hunts me as If I were a frightened little girl… I'm trying to live without those ghosts and this…" – he waved his arms – "this is all I have… it is all that is left for a person like me… If I could live my past again and if I could make myself stop and think before my mistakes I would… but I can't!" His voice couldn't hide his vulnerability and hurt anymore.

She stopped for a moment. Those words touched her like voodoo. Maybe she has finally broken him.

The silence filled up the room awkwardly. John threw his t-shirt away and left for the kitchen.

"What do you want from me, John?" She followed him.

"I just want you to trust me! Is that so hard to realize?" Still upset.

"Well, I can't…"

"Why…?" He raised his voice and turned to her again.

"I just can't… "

He gave his back to her again, leaned on the table and closed his eyes. Last thing he needed was those memories, cause they hunted him, they found him, and they devoured him in the most deep of his inner self.

Carter observed his back for a moment and decided to leave.

"I can't let it go, John… I can't just leave it… Look what we've done five minutes ago."

"I'm sorry…" He whispered.

Carter let out a quiet frustrated whisper and left.

_Thanks for reading._


	2. Chapter 2

I'd like to thank SassyJ for correcting my English mistakes and for adding great suggestions at the story. Thank you so much. =D

IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII

John waited for a few seconds until he could push away the images of his past, which were going through his mind like a movie flashback. He followed her and when she was already outside, he called.

"Carter, wait!" He called to her in an anguished voice.

He didn't care if he was outside in his underwear. They needed to get things right, not that the situation was right, but, he just couldn't let her go like that. He didn't know what he was going to say, or how he was going to say it, or even how he would prove what he was going to say, but he needed to say something.

Carter didn't stop walking, so John ran and grabbed her arm.

"Get off me!" She turned furiously and yanked her arm away from his hand.

He let her go easily.

"Just listen…" He asked.

"I don't want to…" She interrupted and started walking again.

"Do you think it was easy to have a job that turned you into an emotionless killer…? Do you think just because I did all that without questioning my own principles, and that somehow afterwards any of it was any easier…?"

He continued talking even when she turned her back on him.

"I don't want to listen anymore, John…" Not true, the pain in his voice was breaking her in two; she just couldn't deal with any more information at that point.

"I'm trying, Carter… I am fucking trying to get past what I did, because worse than doing it, is regretting it and living with all that innocent blood in my hands! It hurts!" He almost screamed at her, his heart aching.

Carter had never seen John express this level of pain and regret before and it was tearing her apart that it happened under these chaotic circumstances. It yanked the floor from under her.

"I'm not questioning what you are doing to get past it, John…"

"Then why do you always doubt your trust in me?"

She actually was, but not from her heart, because she knew that even when he exploded the world, he was saving a life. Carter knew it, but Snow had played her so deeply and manipulated her so easily, that even after surrender completely to John, she would still have doubts about him. There were always more questions about his past.

"Because as hard as it is to put my trust in a skillful and cold ex-CIA killer who happened to have killed his partner, is to put my trust in the very same killer who saved my life!" She turned and shouted back at him.

John stared at her. The torment in his eyes plain to see. Just a look from her was a torture that could break any high trained soldier.

"You don't get it, John!" She tried to take it down a notch, to soothe him.

"I don't get it…?" He repeated outraged that she could think so, and doubt him still. "Do you think I just pulled the trigger at her? Is that what you think… for any reason… I just woke up and decided I should kill my partner and I shot her dead?"

"This…" She waved at his almost naked body. "This is a colossal mistake…"

"Let me just explain what really happened?" John was still upset.

"No, I don't want to hear anything, not anymore, John… Just, let me go…"

"You wanted an explanation and now that I'm willing to give it to you, you will walk away." He opened his arms in stress. "Then I really don't get it…"

Carter got into her car and rushed away, until she couldn't drive anymore, because of the tears blocking her view. She stopped her car, but couldn't think precisely where, she just parked and stayed there, looking at the dawn. Too much information for her to think straight. She didn't want to decipher John anymore. But it actually hurt to picture the image of a completely broken and emotional John, mainly because the eyes once she thought were dead to those kinds of feelings, showed her, in ten minutes she had missed before she met John. But it also made her angry. She punched the steering. The duality of her feelings towards John had been growing since she met Snow, but she had never thought it could grow so enormously to the point that it made her give in to his dangerous body like that, without think for a minute about consequences. She didn't want to know why he had killed his partner anymore… or why he had stayed in his job knowing it would turn him into a monster. Or if he knew he would become a heartless killer. She just wanted him to go to hell. To the fucking hell! Him and Snow! To Hell!

Her eyes dropped some tears, but it was of rage. She convinced herself that it was all about rage, although her heart hurt when the image of the agony in his eyes, an agony that she had put there, came to her mind, or the remembrance of his gentle and yet dangerous kiss. His touch… No, how could she burst with desire just with the memory of his hands touching her… hands that once killed people skillfully. Having sex with John shouldn't do it to her.

John stayed where he was staring into the distance in the direction that she had gone, not knowing how to react to events. Then he turned and walked back into his building again. When he closed the door of his apartment behind him, he leaned against it and closed his eyes. His past had never been been brought so ruthlessly home to him like this before, and it was probably aggravated by the events with Carter. And by whom Carter was for him, and how hurtful was to think that she had an opinion about him that was so low. He didn't care much about the opinion of other people… to hell other people, but this was Carter… Carter who was judging him as if he were still a killer; cold and emotionless killer without a soul, and that mattered to him. Where was the point in trying to become someone better if you didn't have anyone to see that you really could? There wasn't any. He would still be a killer even saving lives…

IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII

John woke up at 9 o'clock. He realized he was late so he rushed to go to the library as fast as he could, trying not to remember the previous events. He walked slowly through the hallways of the library until he reached Finch's desk.

"You are late, Mr. Reese." Finch didn't take his eyes from the computer.

John was silent as he flopped down into a chair. Finch noticed he looked tired and somehow, absent. John was never absent; he was always alert.

"What happened?" Finch glanced at him over the monitor.

"… just tired…"

John was never tired. He was practically a robot in that sense. Finch said nothing, not wanting to pry too closely. But John's blank expression worried him.

"Thanks for the ball…" John finally broke the silence.

Finch acknowledged that with a glance. Just thanking Finch for the ball brought images of him and Carter playing last night, so he fidgeted on the chair and pushed the thought away.

"We don't have any numbers…?"

"Apparently you are not the only one in silence this morning… What's going on, John?" Finch finally asked.

John fidgeted on the chair again. He seemed angry, Finch thought.

"I know it's not about the gift I gave you. You are passionate by this boring sport, although you make real effort to not show people."

"Do you think of me as a killer?" John didn't look to the man across the table.

The question caught Finch by surprise, but he tried to hide that thought. John needed him to be honest and calm here.

"I wouldn't have chased you down for so long if I thought you weren't worth it. If I thought you could be better for society by being dead, or drunk in an alley."

Finch struggled to find the right words, feeling that John was going through something that he really needed help with. Finch was aware that sometimes John battled borderline depression, and Finch could understand, relate to that, he just wasn't sure what to do about it.

John let out a frustrated breath and stood up. He started rummaging impatiently every drawer inside that room.

"I want to see the files you gathered when you were chasing me." John even threw some papers on the floor.

"Why? What are you doing?" Finch stopped everything he was doing and stared confused at an unreasonable John.

"Where are they?" John were still rummaging and messing all the drawers.

"Mr. Reese!" Finch stood up, and spoke firmly. Aware that this was a painful personal issue and nothing that Finch had done.

John stopped and stared with narrowed eyes at Finch.

"I don't know what is going on with you, but you need to calm down." Finch looked away, anywhere besides John's cold eyes.

Finch's stomach seemed to be experiencing some kind of a hurricane. He had never talked like that to John before. He even took an unconscious step back.

"Where are they, Finch?" _It sounded like a threat, god_.

"I won't tell you if you don't calm down, and give me a sensible reason to." Finch's tension was reflected in his voice.

John slammed one drawer violently and closed his eyes.

"I don't understand your sudden violence, John!" Finch started to catch some papers that flew down on the floor.

CIA had taught John how to pull back his emotions flawlessly, but then came Carter and threw all that knowledge in a trash can. And John couldn't deal with that… because CIA had never given him a plan B.

"I'm sorry…" He softened his tone.

"What's going on?" Finch turned from upset but frightened, into worried.

"I had a fight with Carter…" John let out a frustrated breath.

Finch continued to catch papers from the floor and John started to help him. He caught some and attempted to hand in to Finch, but Finch froze in front of John and stared at his hand.

"Not gonna hurt you, Finch…" John said ironically.

Finch grabbed the papers and walked away to put it inside a drawer.

"What does it have to do with your files?" Finch asked while rearranging his body back on the chair.

"Told her I killed Stanton!"

Finch looked at John. _Wrong move John_, he thought. But Finch was a smart man and knew that John would never give up that information if it wasn't under awkward circumstances.

"Why would you tell her that?"

John didn't answer verbally. His hands covered his face as he flopped on the chair again.

Finch stood up and walked to a part of the bookshelf that was closed with a lock. He grabbed a file and looked at John.

"Are you going to show, Carter?"

"I don't know…"

"I don't have physical files… I'll have to gather that information from a security data bank. It could take some time. If I might warn you, you shouldn't show it to her. But I won't forbid you.

John's relationship with Carter was complicated. There was an obvious tension between them. John's overprotective reactions whenever she was in danger affected him in a way that anything else did. Something had happened the night before and Finch guessed it had to do with that tension.

"Carter is judging me based on Snow's words."

"I don't blame her, John. Snow is a dangerously persuasive person."

"I know." John slumped back into the chair, and rested his head in his hands. It's not fair." He knew he sounded self-pitying but it was more than that. Finch could hear that in the tone of his voice.

"The concept of the word fair is also invented by people, John…"

IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII

The morning for Carter came soon and after trying to get one hour of decent sleep, and failing flawlessly, she decided to go to work early, so she could focus on something else besides John… naked John… killer John… emotional John… whatever John that came to her head. At the precinct, she had a lot of paperwork to finish and no field work and dead bodies to drive her out of her racing mind. She was tired and seriously thinking about taking the day off, but that meant she would have nothing to do to occupy her mind. So, bring it on! It wasn't the first time she had to outrun the tiredness. Although she was determined to not talk to John anymore, she knew it wouldn't be possible and she knew it would be a stupid and childish reaction. The man was already part of her life, and for god's sake he had saved her life… and for whoever's sake, she had slept with him. Anyway, she just needed sometime to absorb the whole situation and then understand and deal with it. She suddenly stopped everything and burst out of the precinct to get some air.

She stopped at the sidewalk and took a deep breath, the humid air went directly to her lungs and that felt good. John was leaned against his car in the other side of the street and started walking on her direction. When she noticed his approach, she narrowed her eyes at his figure and walked fast towards him.

"What the hell are you doing here?" She grabbed his arm and started walking him away.

"I need to talk to you…" He allowed her to walk him wherever she wanted to.

"There are people inside who would pay a million for your head!" She spoke upset, still walking him away.

"Okay, Carter… just stop… calm down." He moved in front of her and made a barrier with his body.

She glanced around to make sure it was clear.

"Take it…" John handed her a folder with his files.

She didn't take it.

"What's that?" She spoke coldly.

"What you asked me yesterday…"

"Told you I don't want to know…"

She turned and attempted to walk away, but he held her arm, not for long, cause she yanked it of his grasp. She stared at him. She was so tired she didn't have the strength to be angry, although she wanted.

They stared at each other for a few seconds. Eyes full of an unexplained and unspoken desire, until Carter diverted her stare.

"Carter…"

"I can't, John… what happened yesterday was a big mistake…"

"I'm not asking you to sleep with me, I'm asking you to read the file…"

"You have to go, John…

"Don't walk away, Carter…" He warned her.

"I'm trying to deal with all that happened yesterday, so please… go away…"

"You can't try to deal with what happened if your judgment of me is based on a lie…"

Carter thought for a minute and decided to grab the file.

"Get out here…" She walked away.

IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII

Carter locked herself inside an interrogation room and put the file on the table. She looked at it for several minutes before opening it. She had no idea on what to find in there and she feared it could be more than she could deal with. Getting inside the abyss that was John's world was a road with no good options and she knew it. Fact was fact, CIA changed men into killer machines, manipulative robots. Few of them realized it in time. John seemed to be caught in the middle of that road

_They were running away in a mission where they had been set up to be killed._

"_I'm running out of ammunition!" John said as he ran fast through a narrow hallway._

"_Keep running!" Stanton said._

"_We are going nowhere…" He said upset._

_She turned in a sudden and grabbed his suit with one hand. And soon he was thrown against the wall. She pressed one of the pressure points in his __groin__ with her gun and he almost faint because of the pain. He stared at her in confusion. She pressed his body against the wall. Although he was stronger, pressure points could really make hulk cry._

"_Shut up, and run, John!"_

_His breathing hardened and he kept in silence. She softened the pressure on his groin and he could breathe better._

"_Get off me!" His eyes held a dangerous shine and Stanton knew she should be careful with those eyes._

"_Either you trust me to save our lives, or we both be dead in less than 30 minutes." She was upset._

_John only stared at her. He couldn't do it. Killing people had become so automatic for him that he didn't need to think anymore… but that was Stanton._

"_There's something you should know… " John said._

"_What?"_

"_I have orders to kill you…"_

"_What!" She hardened the pressure on his groin again, even stronger._

"_I think… we were set up…." John spoke with some difficult in his breathing._

"_You are lying!" She said with clenched teeth._

"_I can help you get away… … we can set up your death."_

"_Why are you telling me this?" She yanked him from one wall and threw him at the other. Although it was a narrow hallway, he hit hard and fell on the floor._

"_I'm not going to kill you, Kara…"_

_He stared at her eyes. He couldn't do that. He went to the mission thinking he could. Actually, he had had many opportunities to do so, but there was something that didn't allow him to pull the trigger._

"_We can deal with that after we get out of here. I've been in this building before. I know the way, John. Trust me." Kara stood her hand to help him stand up._

"_Are you sure this will take us out?" He stood up._

"_Yes, do you trust me?"_

"_Yes…"_

"_Then let's go!"_

_They ran and arrived at a door. Stanton entered it. It was a large room that seemed to be a warehouse. Stanton stopped with her back to the door, and equipped her gun. She looked down and when John entered it, she turned fast and shot his thigh. John fell on the floor like a rag doll. He pointed his gun at her. His eyes filled with water, not only because of the pain, but also confusion._

"_I'm sorry, John… I got the same orders as you!" She turned and pointed at him. "But I didn't want to kill you either… You are a good friend."_

_John stared at her in confusion. He was angrier with him than with Kara, for letting Snow blind him at that point._

"_Shut up, Kara!" John spoke angry._

"_So I'll hand you over to the Chinese… They will be here any minute. And I hope you can escape."_

_Kara approached; she knew John would never shoot her. He was a killer, but he was a man of word._

"_Put your weapon down, John!" She ordered._

"_I trusted you…" He pointed the gun at her furiously._

"_Trust is two-way street, John… Don't make me shoot you again."_

"_Kara Stanton." A chinese with a strong accent came through a door._

"_Hu Yang… I've got something for you." She smiled and approached John, still pointing a gun at him_

"_So you have finally decided to hand your precious partner to us."_

"_I didn't have a choice…"_

"_We will take good care of him…"_

_She kneeled beside John and held him by his collar bone. In a fast movement, John grabbed her hand and twisted with a martial strike. He held her other hand to aim it to another place besides his body. They fought for some minutes on the floor, but Kara was able to stick her finger inside his wound. John screamed in pain and rolled to the side. His eyes filled with tears as she pressed her finger inside his leg wound. She grabbed her gun and removed her finger to stand. John breathed heavily on the floor and moaned in pain._

"_Son of a bitch!" She said and shot his shoulder._

_John moaned again, the pain nearly overwhelming. He had another gun hidden on his ankle. He grabbed it and unloaded it on her. She fell to the floor. The Chinese started to fire against him, but he was able to hide behind a container. He was bleeding and equipped with only a handgun, but was able to escape somehow. The Chinese ended up giving him up and escaping before the CIA arrived._

IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII

The day went by and John had fallen sleep on the couch on the library. When he woke up, Finch told him to go home and get some decent sleep. John did as Finch said and went home, but instead of sleeping, he got the ball and went to the court.

Carter finished reading the file and headed home. She couldn't believe Snow had played her so easily and she had believed in him without questions. She needed to talk to John and she was going there. Now that her mind was more concerned with apologies than with what happened the night before, she could actually have a decent conversation with him, if he still wanted to…. She arrived at his apartment and knocked at the door. She waited there, the sense of his very presence burned into her brain, but there was no answer, she let out a deep frustrated breath and got out of the building. He was probably exploding something and saving a life somewhere. Either way, she decided to take a look at the court. See if he was there. She parked her car a saw him, sat on a bench, on jeans and sneakers… She pushed the thoughts of jumping him out of her head, and stepped out of her car, with the files he had given her that morning in her hands. He was leaning back against the wire mesh, looking at nothing, with his hands in his lap.

His peripheral vision saw movement, he glanced and saw Carter. They looked into each other's eyes before John diverted his look. Looking at him, she couldn't deny the desire that she felt towards John, and although she knew they could never cross that line again, she wasn't about to deny that she wished that they could.

"Hey…" She spoke and stood with quite a distance from him.

"Hey…" He glanced at her quickly.

"I read the file…" She waved slightly the file in her hand.

John remained in silence. Carter approached and sat at the bench beside him.

"Look, John… I know that there's an abyss dividing what I know about you and what you know about me… I've been trying to fill in the gaps, but it seems impossible…"

"You don't want to go deep in there, Carter... It's dark, and it's ugly and it steals life…" He finally looked at her. Same stoic eyes.

Carter didn't answer and there was a moment of silence. She wondered how far she would be willing to go and at what cost… maybe it was for the better to let go. Since John was trying to let it go too.

John broke the silence.

"I've been trying to outrun the choices I did in the past, but it's hard. You can get it out of your heart, but not of your mind… I'm still a killer, I still have blood in my hands… Each life I took away, it took a piece of my humanity… "

"You save lives of strangers, John… You put yours in danger… It takes humanity to do that…"

"I bled it out on the floor so many times, waiting for something or someone to come save me… when nobody did, I saw that caring wasn't something that fit in that job… I lost the ability to care…" John's eyes held an anguish that was painful to look at.

"I doubt that… Look, John… You saved my life… and I know it's not just because you were at the right spot at the right time…"

John looked away and she continued.

"What Snow told me about you and Stanton is relevantly distorted… and I'm sorry I let myself be played by him… and in the process I almost got you killed…"

"I never blamed you…"

"I know… I really wanted to know more about you, John… You intrigue me, but I know you struggle to talk about it, and I won't pressure you to do so…"

"It's for your safety, Carter… not only physical…"

There were a few minutes of silence.

"About yesterday…" Carter finally brought the subject.

"I'm sorry if I led into doing something you didn't want…" John fidgeted and looked down.

"You didn't… I was there, I started it and I didn't back up…" Carter glanced away. "And for this to keep working… I mean, this thing with you and Finch and me… what happened yesterday shouldn't happen again…"

"I know… gonna be hard…" He finally smirked.

"We can do it…" She tapped his thigh three times. She wasn't so sure of that. "You half naked is forbidden for now on…" She grabbed his t-shirt and threw it on him…

He smirked.

"Look, Carter… I was hopeless when Finch found me… I didn't have anything to live for… I had disappeared into my darkness, until this darkness turned to pain… and now, Finch gave me something back… and you are part of this something… it's really important for me that you can trust me… that you can see me beneath the surface marked by the scars of my past…"

Carter's heart was suffering from a massive discharge of emotion. Seeing John Reese express any sign of feelings was heartbreaking. John's voice held something that was difficult to identify… vulnerability. In the depths of the cold world John was immersed in, there was still a piece of him that was broken… who the hell said heroes couldn't hurt… And at that moment… after all the emotions discharged like a lightning into their souls, she finally could see John through the surface of coldness and violence.

"Now I can, John…" She smiled sadly.

Silence again…

"And it was a good fuck…" She said to break the tension. He chuckled.


End file.
